{
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    "date": "2021-05-18T18:58:33",
    "date_gmt": "2021-05-18T13:28:33",
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    "modified": "2023-10-29T13:06:48",
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    "slug": "raise-an-emotionally-intelligent-child",
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    "link": "https:\/\/myemotionalfirstaid.org\/en\/raise-an-emotionally-intelligent-child\/",
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        "rendered": "Raise an emotionally intelligent child"
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        "rendered": "<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-page\" data-elementor-id=\"2592\" class=\"elementor elementor-2592\" data-elementor-post-type=\"post\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-ca43e1d elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"ca43e1d\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-no\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-bcad7bb\" data-id=\"bcad7bb\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-201fadd elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"201fadd\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<style>\/*! elementor - v3.21.0 - 15-04-2024 *\/\n.elementor-widget-text-editor.elementor-drop-cap-view-stacked .elementor-drop-cap{background-color:#69727d;color:#fff}.elementor-widget-text-editor.elementor-drop-cap-view-framed .elementor-drop-cap{color:#69727d;border:3px solid;background-color:transparent}.elementor-widget-text-editor:not(.elementor-drop-cap-view-default) .elementor-drop-cap{margin-top:8px}.elementor-widget-text-editor:not(.elementor-drop-cap-view-default) .elementor-drop-cap-letter{width:1em;height:1em}.elementor-widget-text-editor .elementor-drop-cap{float:left;text-align:center;line-height:1;font-size:50px}.elementor-widget-text-editor .elementor-drop-cap-letter{display:inline-block}<\/style>\t\t\t\t<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Emotional\u00a0 Intelligence is understanding and acknowledging the way that we feel, to growing and <\/span>nurturing our relationships<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> with those around us. Giving your children the opportunity to develop their empathy, social skills, and more is one of the best ways to equip them for life ahead. From school friendships to managing their feelings when they face failures, to helping them find their own best ways of coping.<\/span><\/p><h4><b>Do you want to raise an emotionally intelligent child and you&#8217;re wondering where to begin?\u00a0<\/b><\/h4><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Start with these five steps.<\/span><\/p><h4><strong>1. Acknowledge your child\u2019s perspective and empathize.<\/strong><\/h4><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Even if you can&#8217;t &#8220;do anything&#8221; about your child&#8217;s upsets, empathize. Just being understood helps humans let go of troubling emotions. If your child&#8217;s upset seems out of proportion to the situation, remember that we all store up emotions and then let ourselves experience them once we find a safe haven. Then we&#8217;re free to move on.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Empathizing doesn\u2019t mean you agree, just that you see it from his side, too. He may have to do what you say, but he\u2019s entitled to his own perspective. We all know how good it feels to have our position acknowledged; somehow it just makes it easier when we don\u2019t get our way.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cIt\u2019s hard for you to stop playing and come to dinner, and still, it\u2019s time now.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cYou wish you could have me all to yourself, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cYou\u2019re so disappointed that it\u2019s raining.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><h4><b>Why this encourages emotional intelligence:<\/b><\/h4><ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Feeling understood triggers soothing biochemicals; that neural pathway you\u2019re strengthening each time he feels soothed is what he\u2019ll use to soothe himself as he gets older.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Children develop empathy by experiencing it from others.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You\u2019re helping your child reflect on his experience and what triggers his feelings. For little ones, just knowing there\u2019s a name for their feeling is an early tool in learning to manage the emotions that flood them.<\/span><\/li><\/ul><h4><strong>2. Allow expression<\/strong><\/h4><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Young children can&#8217;t differentiate between their emotions and their &#8220;selves.&#8221; Accept your child\u2019s emotions, rather than denying or minimizing them, which gives children the message that some feelings are shameful or unacceptable.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Disapproving of her fear or anger won&#8217;t stop her from having those feelings, but it may well force her to repress them. Unfortunately, repressed feelings don&#8217;t fade away, as feelings do that have been freely expressed. They\u2019re trapped and looking for a way out. Because they aren\u2019t under conscious control, they pop out unmodulated, when a child hits her sister, has nightmares, or develops a nervous tic.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Instead, teach that the full range of feelings is understandable and part of being human, even while some actions must be limited.<\/span><\/p><ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cYou&#8217;re so mad your brother broke your toy! I understand, AND it&#8217;s never okay to hit, even when you&#8217;re very mad. Tell your brother in words how you feel.<\/span><\/i><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/><\/span><\/i><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cYou seem worried about the picnic today. I used to get nervous on picnic too, in kindergarten. Want to tell me about it?\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/><\/span><\/i><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">&#8220;You&#8217;re so frustrated! Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning&#8230;I wonder if you just need to cry? Everybody needs to cry sometimes. Come snuggle with Daddy and you can cry as much as you want.&#8221;<\/span><\/i><\/li><\/ul><h4><b>Why this encourages emotional intelligence:<\/b><\/h4><ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your acceptance helps your child accept her own emotions, which is what allows us to resolve our feelings and move on, so she is better able to regulate her own emotions.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your acceptance teaches your child that her emotional life is not dangerous, is not shameful, and in fact is universal and manageable. She learns that she is not alone. She learns that even the less pleasant parts of herself are acceptable, which means that she is wholly ok, just the way she is.<\/span><\/li><\/ul>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-inner-section elementor-element elementor-element-8c40337 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"8c40337\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-inner-column elementor-element elementor-element-c95c565\" data-id=\"c95c565\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-9d20d7c elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"9d20d7c\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<h4><strong>3. Listen to your child\u2019s feelings.<\/strong><\/h4><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Remember, rage doesn&#8217;t begin to dissipate until it feels heard. Whether your child is 6 months or sixteen, she needs you to listen to the feelings she\u2019s expressing. Once she feels and expresses them, she\u2019ll let them go and get on with her life. In fact, you\u2019ll be amazed at how affectionate and cooperative she\u2019ll be once she has a chance to show you how she feels. But to feel safe letting those feelings up and out, she needs to know you\u2019re fully present and listening. Assured that it\u2019s safe, children have an amazing ability to let their feelings wash over and out, leaving them relaxed and cooperative. Your job? Breathe through it, stay present, and resist the urge to make those troublesome feelings go away. Your child instinctively knows how to heal herself.<\/span><\/p><ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cYou seem so unhappy right now. Everybody gets upset sometimes&#8230; I\u2019m right here. Tell me about it.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cYou are so sad and mad you just want to scream and yell and cry. Everybody feels that way sometimes. I\u2019m right here listening and see all those big feelings. You can show me how mad and sad you are.<\/span><\/i><\/li><\/ul>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-1190047 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"1190047\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cYou are so mad you\u2019re yelling at me to go away. I\u2019ll move back a little. But these feelings hurt and scare you, and I won\u2019t leave you alone with these upsetting feelings. I\u2019m right here and you\u2019re safe. You can be as sad and mad as you want, and when you\u2019re ready, I am right here to hug you.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/li><\/ul><h4><b>Why this encourages emotional intelligence:<\/b><\/h4><ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The nature of healthy human emotions is to move through us, swamp us, and then pass away. When we fend them off or repress them, emotions get stuck inside us rather than finding healthy expression. But children are terrified of their strong emotions overwhelming them, so they try to fend them off until they feel safe enough to experience them. Because emotions are stored in the body, tantrums are nature\u2019s way to help young children vent.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When we help our children feel safe enough to feel and express their emotions, we not only heal their psyches and bodies; we help them trust their own emotional process so that they can handle their own emotions as they get older, without tantrums\u00a0<\/span><\/li><\/ul><ol start=\"4\"><li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Teach problem solving<\/span><\/li><\/ol><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Emotions are messages, not mud for wallowing. Teach your child to breathe through them, feel them, tolerate them without needing to act on them, and, once they aren\u2019t in the grip of strong emotion, to problem-solve and act if necessary.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Most of the time, once kids (and adults) feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. This leaves an opening for problem solving. Sometimes, kids can do this themselves. Sometimes, they need your help to brainstorm. But resist the urge to rush in and handle the problem for them unless they ask you to; that gives him the message that you don&#8217;t have confidence in his ability to handle it himself.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cYou\u2019re so disappointed that Meena can\u2019t come over because she\u2019s sick. You were really looking forward to playing with her. When you\u2019re ready, maybe we can brainstorm and discuss ideas of something else to do that sounds like fun.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cYou\u2019re pretty frustrated with Shikhar not giving you a turn. Sometimes you feel like not playing with him anymore. But you also really like playing with him. I wonder what you could say to Shikhar, so that he could hear how you feel?\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><h4><b>Why this encourages emotional intelligence:<\/b><\/h4><ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Kids need to express their feelings, but they also need to know how to shift gears to find constructive solutions to problems. That takes practice and modeling on our part.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Research shows that simply empathizing with our kids is insufficient to teach them to manage their feelings, because they still feel at the mercy of their emotions. Teaching kids to honor their feelings as signals about things they need to handle differently in their lives empowers kids.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">All children need coaching to learn to express their needs without attacking the other person.<\/span><\/li><\/ul><h4><strong>5. Play it out<\/strong><\/h4><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When you notice a negative pattern developing, recognize that your child has some big feelings she doesn\u2019t know how to handle, and step in with the best medicine: Play. For instance:<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For instance, maybe your four year old always wants Mommy. Instead of taking it personally, help him work through his feelings about how much he prefers Mom by playing a game where poor bumbling Dad &#8220;tries&#8221; unsuccessfully to keep him away from her. Dad gets between Mom and son, and yells \u201cI won\u2019t let you get to Mom\u2026.Hey, you just ran right around me!&#8230;You pushed me right over!&#8230;You are too strong!&#8230;.But this time you won\u2019t get past me!\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your four year old will giggle and boast and get a chance to prove he can ALWAYS have his mom. He&#8217;ll also discharge all those pent up worries that make him demand her.<\/span><\/p><h5><b>Why this encourages emotional intelligence:<\/b><\/h5><ul><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">All children experience big feelings on a daily basis. They often feel powerless and pushed around, angry, sad, frightened, or jealous. Emotionally healthy kids process these feelings with play, which is how little ones of all species learn. Helping your child \u201cplay\u201d out his big inner conflicts lets him resolve them so he can move on to the next age-appropriate developmental challenge.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your child can\u2019t put his deeper emotional conflicts into words; that\u2019s tough even for most adults. But he can play them out symbolically and resolve them without even needing to talk about them.<\/span><\/li><li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Laughter releases stress hormones just as well as tears &#8212; and is a lot more fun.<\/span><\/li><\/ul>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>",
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